Don’t know what to get that special Hot Mess in your life? Are you tired of always giving the same bottle of wine or themed shot glass, only to receive lackluster appreciation?
Well look no further because we have compiled the ultimate list of gifts, perfect for any train wreck during the most magical time of the year!
By the way, this doubles as my Christmas list so if you want to be a doll and get me any of these, shoot me an email (email@example.com)! Just saying…
1. Bevmo Gift Card
Let’s start things off easy! For all of you last minute shoppers or those who could really give a damn, the gift card is probably one of the easiest (and often underrated) gifts you can purchase. So since you know the person you’re giving it to is a total Hot Mess, why not treat them to the an alcoholic’s Disneyland… Bevmo! Buy Here.
2. Ravi Instant Wine Chiller
I saw this in the store a couple of days ago and I completely fell in love. I don’t know about you, but I always run into the problem of warm wine and a lazy ass! Why run back and forth to the wine cellar (the old ice cooler in the garage), when you can chill your wine every time you pour? Ugh someone PLEASE get this for me! Buy here.
3. The Wine Rack
For the lady train wreck, I suggest this gem… a bra that you can drink booze out of! It’s perfect for the girl on the go, especially if she’s NOT going to rehab! This also works for those pesky “No Outside Drink” rules… you can’t throw her out if she’s drinking from her own boob, right!? Buy here.
4. Shot Roulette
Here’s one for a REAL Hot Mess! This shot roulette wheel combines both drinking AND gambling… is there anything more beautiful than when two of your favorite things are married into one? Plus it looks like no matter what number you land on, you’re going to take a shot. Everyone’s a winner! Buy here.
5. The Breathometer
After a long night of Shot Roulette and Boob Booze it’s probably not a smart idea to get behind the wheel, but if you’re a responsible drinker and just want to make sure you’re good to drive, this is the gift for you! It’s a mini breathalyzer that you connect to your phone! Now you don’t have to guess whether you’re safe to hit the road! Never drink and drive bitches. Buy here.
6. Towing Hitch Stripper Pole
It’s not all about alcohol, you guys! Okay on this list it is, but I couldn’t pass this one up! This gift is essential for the stripper (drunken sorority girl at ASU) who likes to take her show on the road! Whether it’s by the river, the trailer park, or the VMAs (I see you Miley) you can put on a performance anywhere with this gift! Buy here.
7. The iFlask
Ever been somewhere when you really needed a drink, but the security guard had already confiscated your water bottle full of whiskey (Hi Kesha)? Well you’re in luck my Hot Mess friend, because technology is FINALLY catching up to your alcoholic needs! I present to you the iFlask! It’s an iPhone shaped flask… with a bottle opener on the back! This is what separates us from the primates, people! Buy here.
8. The Alcohol Shot Gun
Okay so it’s a gun, but instead of bullets, it shoots booze! Now you can shoot your coworkers, spouse, in-laws or anyone else square in the face and not get a lifetime of imprisonment… just a lifetime of FUN! There’s not much to this gift, it’s just a fun way to get plastered. And just when you thought you had a solid argument for gun control… Buy here.
9. The Sunscreen Bottle Flask
Like the iFlask, this gift is perfect for hiding your crippling addiction to alcohol… oh, uh I mean your friend’s crippling addiction to alcohol. You know when you’re in Vegas and they get all bitchy about you bringing outside drinks to the pool, well now your problems have been solved! Just fill this bad boy up with your drink of choice and hit the beach, just try not to let others see you squeezing the bottle into your mouth. Awkward! Buy here.
10. The Night Dad Went To Jail Book
Now that you’ve made some last minute additions to your Xmas list, you’re probably going to want to pick this one up on your own. After you’re Hot Messery inevitably lands you behind bars, this book will help little Jimmy understand why you’re not going to be around this Holiday season. It’ll also explain why you have the words “Prison Bitch” tattooed on your lower back when you finally return. Buy here.
Happy Holidays bitches! Have fun, be responsible and don’t forget to send me some gifts!